How do we go beyond ourselves to awaken, beyond ‘I’?

What Happened to ‘I’?

I am sitting in a cafe.  My fingers gently engage the cup.  I pick it up and take a sip.  In this instant, I am.  I feel the energy of my being inhabiting my internal spaces, visible and invisible.  I recognize the taste of my own presence in this everyday moment. Yes, I am here and now.  But who is this being that is here and now?

I do not feel it in a defined way, but rather blurred, watery, and elusive.  A few days ago, right in the middle of a time of intense stress, my sense of Self was strongly defined. A border marked by my skin established the limits of what I am, and not only that, it also sought to protect what I am.

Where did this feeling of myself go? The feeling that gives me an identity and that is so familiar to me? Right now, sitting among the trees of the café, I am nothing more than the sound of the gentle breeze between the leaves at their top; I am nothing more than the busy song of a bird and the timely response of its neighbor. I am nothing more than a presence covered in sensations, appetites, and needs, without much importance. Where have I gone? What are the borders that define me?  Where is ‘I’?

A New Division

When we begin the work, a new process in us begins: self-observation. We begin to see things more objectively based on the categories of the system. This act of observing creates a kind of separation. I am no longer simply my feelings and reactions, but I become two: the observed and the observer. As this process gains force, it weakens and challenges my habitual sense of self. I can no longer simply let myself go with the currents of my inner world. They suddenly become less believable. 

Since I have been a student of the Fourth Way, I have experienced a blurring in my sense of ‘I.’  Something that seemed to be very firm and solid, before my astonished gaze, is losing definition. There are aspects of my machine that are so mechanical, so irresistible, that they have given me, throughout my life, a sense of inevitability–if it is inevitable in me, then that must be ‘I.’ It is as if those selves that have given me a strong sense of identity are losing strength and clarity as they pass under the magnifying glass of the steward.  

No Room for ‘I’

In my most spiritual moments, I become love itself. In this love of the present, of my surroundings, of the people around me, there is no room for ‘I’–there are only greater, more profound realities. 

My spiritual pilgrimage began from a longing deep within my heart. This longing impelled me to seek something I thought I did not yet possess. Once I met the system, this same impulse was behind self-observation, behind that separation of the observer and the observed. Eventually this drive reaches its fulfillment, and a new still higher emotion emerges, pushing me forward. What began as a longing to go beyond my mechanical self reaches its culmination and becomes conscious love. 

“Let love annihilate your lower self and reveal your Infinite Self.” 

– Meher Baba

Elisa Eidner is a practicing transpersonal therapist and has been a student of the Fourth Way for many years. For other articles by Elisa, see: https://fourthwaytoday.org/the-eternal-instant/,  https://fourthwaytoday.org/divine-imprint/, https://fourthwaytoday.org/perfect-harmony-the-ideal-state/ and https://fourthwaytoday.org/holding-higher-impressions/